Entry #1
The Archive: A Fictional Account of Memory and Myth
If you’re new to The Rebel MFA Way, welcome! This is an entry from my on-going serial fiction experiment “The Archive.”
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Day 42 – Afternoon
I waited until the last candle burned down to the stub before I knew it was time to leave. Oh, Finn, I fought with everything in me not to have to make the decision. I tried bargaining with the silence – please just let me die here. Let me lay beside my dead husband and fall into an endless slumber.
I wish I could say it was my resolve and courage that pushed me to move, to put one foot in front of the other and leave you behind.
But it was the animals who made the decision for me.
They were out of food, and you know how they get when they’re not fed on a regular schedule.
Freakouts ensued.
Bastet glared at me so intensely that I thought she might attack and eat me if I did not find something to feed her.
It was a strange feeling packing bags and knowing I’d likely never return to the home we’d built together. I felt like I was watching a movie of myself. Moving mechanically, detached.
As I trailed through our home, I laughed a little because Jesus, we had so much shit. So much worthless shit that we thought was important. That we thought we needed.
And now, none of it means a damn thing.
Maybe you’d be surprised at what I grabbed. Maybe not.
I wasn’t lying when I told you at the start of this thing that if it went full apocalypse (spoiler alert: it has), Octavia Butler’s Parable series will be what saves me. So yeah, those went in.
I debated longer than I should have on the Harry Potter series. I didn’t take them.
I stuffed my wedding ring in the bottom of the bag – not that it’s worth much in an apocalypse, but I couldn’t bear not having it with me.
Choosing the photos – that was the hardest part, I think.
I decided on the family picture with my parents and siblings as well as the one with your family at Christmas time.
Your mom was right all along – sometimes the only tangible thing we have left of people we love is photographs.
When I stuffed my tarot deck into the bag, I swore I heard you say, “A deck of cards…that’s going to be super useful in an apocalypse.”
“Shut up,” I said aloud because yes, it may be stupid, but I’m not above hanging onto some material comfort items. And this deck, the “rare” one you found and bought for my birthday – it still feels like a part of you. Even just holding it gives me a warmth I never thought a single object could give me. So, despite what you might think in the afterlife (or wherever you are now), the tarot deck is coming with me.
I scoured the pantry and any hiding spot I could think of for remnants of food. We were not prepared, Finn. Not at all. The only thing I could find left was your cookie dough protein bars. Expired.
I thought about packing them, but instead, divvied them up amongst the four of us to eat now. We need our strength.
Atlas and Freya gulped down the protein bars happily (but they’re dogs, they’d eat poop if I said it was chicken). Bastet took her sweet time licking and biting and digesting her portion. Because of course our feisty, judgmental cat would do that.
Before we left, I grabbed a blank journal, (isn’t it funny that it took the world ending for me to decide to utilize all those gifted journals instead of just staring and thinking they were too pretty to write in?) and decided to start fresh. It felt fitting even though I was leaving behind the history of me… of us… behind.
Maybe, one day when the world isn’t going to hell, someone will find those journals and read our story. Our beautiful, tragic fairytale.
Day 42 – Evening
Well, we made it to the library in one piece. I know it’s not a big deal since we only live a few minutes away, but I’m telling you, Finn, the road between our house and the library felt like it stretched on forever.
Every sound had us freezing in place, waiting to see what trouble we’d gotten into. But nothing happened.
The library was mercifully quiet and empty when we got there. I’d been expecting… I don’t know what I expected. Hiding away in a library felt like a natural next step, but what was everyone else doing? I had thought maybe others would be huddled together, figuring things out as I was trying to do. But there wasn’t another person in sight.
I placed my key into the lock, shaking and nearly dropping it. It clicked open easily, too easily.
But we were in. Perks of being an employee.
Atlas and Freya led the perimeter check around the main floor, although, let’s be honest, they were more interested in exploring their new-found freedom rather than keeping us safe. I’ll take what I can get.
In the break room, the refrigerator door stood open, empty.
So… someone had gotten in here. Why were the doors still locked? It wasn’t Melinda because the only thing left to rot away in the fridge was her stash of probiotic yogurt and milk.
Good riddance is what I say to that.
But I was hoping the tin of coffee would be intact.
It was gone.
Then I remembered something from before the collapse. We’d been in the middle of the food drive for the homeless shelter. We hadn’t dropped it off because honestly, people were shitty and there wasn’t much to donate.
Where had Melinda said she put it?
I looked around some, but it didn’t magically appear.
I’m exhausted. I’ll look for it later.
Day 42 – Later Evening
There’s a busted-out window over by the children’s section. I’m guessing that’s how someone got in. But they weren’t here. We’ve checked every nook and cranny of this place, and it’s just us.
But, it’s been decided. The basement is where we’ll stay. There’s a supply room down here with a door and lock. It’s big enough for all four of us to sleep and… do nothing, I guess. I didn’t think past finding the next place to go.
I rounded up all the removable cushions from the couches upstairs and brought them to the basement. It looked like some amateur version of a fort in there when I was done, but you know what?
I’m proud of it. It’s warm, it’s soft, and most importantly, it feels safe.
That’s a feeling I don’t think I’ll ever take for granted again.
It also reminded me of the time Cyrus came to visit us. Remember how proud he was that he got to visit Aunt Ari and Uncle Finn all by himself? The way he dove into the covers of the room downstairs and made a little hidey hole out of the duvet?
The thought of him… of our families… that’s what did me in, Finn. And I started to wonder if thinking about them… of what I’ve lost and might never get back is a good idea. Losing you has been the most painful moment of my life and if I’m being honest, I don’t know that I can survive if I know the truth of their fates.
So, I made a deal with myself. A “rule,” if you will.
No grieving. Not yet. Not until I’ve learned to survive this thing.
Only then will I allow myself to break.
Day 42 – Midnight?
I found two unused candles in the supply room when I was moving boxes around. Added one to my bag and lit the other one to write by. I’ll have to keep it short because who knows when I’ll need to use it again. Sooner rather than later, I imagine.
I had to write though, Finn, because now that we are hunkered down—the dogs at my feet, Bastet weaving her way up and down the shelving units finding the best sleeping spot—I have more time to think then I know what to do with.
I think about you. About what I’d say to your parents if I ever saw them again. How do you even put something like this into words? How you died so valiantly—because that’s who you were. Are?
I guess that’s the other thing I’m thinking about, Finn. I still feel you. In more than just the tarot cards or the looks that the animals give me. You don’t feel like you’re gone, not totally.
Like, right now, it feels like you are next to me, your arms holding me in an embrace that says, “we’ll get through this.”
But then, the rational side of my brain kicks in and mocks me.
“He’s dead, Ari. Dead. Gone. He can’t keep you safe. That’s all on you, now.”
This part of me isn’t wrong. When I glance up and see Atlas, Freya and Bastet curled up sleeping, the candle flame sending flickering flames over their fur, my resolve hardens.
I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I will survive, Finn.
I’ll do it for you.
So excited to keep reading this!!