Rebel Rousings #1

An intro to a new personal essay series

If you’re new to The Rebel MFA Way, welcome! This is a bit of a cross-genre, mini personal essay series around education, writing, inquiry and life.

[NOTE: Your email provider may truncate this essay, be sure to click on “keep reading” to read the entire piece.]

Welcome to the first edition of Rebel Rousings. A new personal essay series I’m trying out. These will be more loosey-goosey, spur of the moment, cobbled together mini essays about all manner of topics on things I’m writing about in real time.

Why do this?

A few reasons. One is because a lot of the Substackers I admire and respect have begun doing this in their own ways and I have found myself really enjoying them. They are the posts I tend to look forward to the most. Perhaps it’s because of the limited capacity I have these days for intaking Substack content, or it’s the way they are able to condense their ideas within the confines of a roundup post? But I also think it has to do with the fact that they are also curating their lists with other sources and because I trust THEM, I also trust their sources and want to learn more. It’s old school word of mouth. This is how I’m most often getting my movie, book, news recommendations these days.

The second reason ties in with the first header of what I’ve been studying. As I’m learning more about who I am as a person and the way my brain works, I’m learning that if I want people to truly see me for me and understand the way my brain works, I have to let them in. And the way through which I let people in has always been through my words. It’s when I’m at my most vulnerable. So it’s a way for me to connect with you while also trying to figure out myself in the process.

It’s kind of like a “cork board” for me in terms of connecting dots. I start to see patterns and connections emerge into a larger subtext and you, the reader, also get to see what sparks for you. This publication as a whole isn’t a static thing — I love watching things evolve as readers and communities grow, engage and co-create. I welcome active engagement and would love to hear from my readers more!

Let’s get to it—

Studying

Midlife Awakening

If you’ve been following a few of my latest posts or podcasts, you probably know I’ve been going through something. I’ve hesitated to name it until now, but I’ll just call it what it I think it is, a “Midlife Awakening.” I’m purposely referring to it by that instead of a crisis because I’m choosing to believe that there is more renewal in this journey for me than crisis even if it feels like everything is a bit of a dumpster fire at the moment. Additionally, I’m taking a class with Lauren Sapala at the moment aptly called “Midlife Awakening” and I love the way she teaches with such duality.

We’ve only been through one class and I already feel rocked by what we’ve gone over and the fascinating thing about this class is that it’s geared toward INFJ and INFP personality types (which I am — INFJ). There was a moment during our first class that I openly weeped because it had been so long since I’d felt “seen.” I’m going to paraphrase heavily here, but I feel like it was such a pivotal moment in this midlife moment of mine that I want others who haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing Lauren to have an opportunity to feel seen too. She said:

“If you are an INFJ/INFP, it’s very hard to exist in a world that is made up of mainly NON-INF’s because we live with one foot in the mainstream world, and the other foot is in our internal world. Our brains do not shut off from our internal world… we are always in it. While we may appear and look like we are sitting down with friends, family, spouses, kids, etc., we are always here but not here. We live in a fragmented space where we are doing dishes, but our mind is in an imaginary world where stories are being conjured or we’re making connections between the film or book we just consumed. We’re tucking our kids into bed, but our brains are wondering what the meaning of life is about. When we are cut off from our internal world, it is like being shut off from a piece of ourselves, like not having access to breath. NON-INFs have so much more energy for the rest of the world because they don’t have this internal world that competes for their attention the way we do.”

It was as if she had reached through the computer screen and pulled out what was in my brain and laid it bare for everyone to see. It’s so difficult to explain to others how my brain works sometimes. I often feel tremendous amounts of empathy with my neurodivergent clients who struggle with explaining how hard it is for them to walk through this world with their “different” brain. They don’t have to explain it to me, because on some level I understand it.

It wasn’t until hearing Lauren explain it this way that I realized others experience this wonky way of being in the world like I do. For the longest time, I’ve thought maybe I have some undiagnosed mental illness. (Amongst the already diagnosed mental illness). Because of my background in trauma, I know that life is pretty much a shit show for everyone. That changes our brains. It changes how we adapt to life and how we move through it. But there is something uniquely special about the way our brains choose to filter reality. That is the difference I’m talking about here.

Take my husband for example. He is a NON-INF. When he looks at life and filters it through his lenses, what he sees is his version of reality and there is only one reality, right? There is only one existence. That is his perspective, his belief system, his lens. He sees time as linear. As a continual line from birth to death. This is “normal.” This is how most people see it.

Not me. And not for a lot of INFJ or INFPs.

When I look at life and reality, I see more than just THIS reality. I see the reality that exists before this one. After this one. The reality that might exist WITH this one. Yes, I’m talking about all the woo-woo, multiverse, alternate dimension shit. But I also live inside the world that exists in my head while living in the “here and now.” And in my head, where my stories are, time and space and reality (the here and now) are not relevant… they don’t matter. And the people, places, things, situations, etc., inside my head are just as real and important and as living and breathing as things in the “here and now.”

So when Lauren talks about the fact that we are constantly battling for time and energy between this inner world of ours and the outer, she isn’t exaggerating. There is a real struggle to keep one foot in reality and one foot in our other version of reality.

It was crazy how much of a lightbulb moment that was and that wasn’t even the point of the topic at hand for the class.

There were many more a-ha’s during that class, but I have a feeling there’s much more to be uncovered as the weeks progress, so I will save those for future editions of this essay.

Bibliotherapy Coaching Certified

Another big aspect of my “Midlife Awakening” is stepping into the next “transition” of who I am becoming and what work I’m bringing into the world and how that looks. Bibliotherapy has been a part of my life since I was a child. I was practicing it as a self-soothing technique before it was introduced into my therapy practice as a young adult. It was only natural for me to think about offering it as a service someday. Also, I’m going to toot my own horn for a moment… I was born for this role. I’ve literally been doing it for decades in an “unofficial” capacity. Now, it’s time to bring my gifts to the masses.

I connected with and met Bijal Shah who created the Bibliotherapy, Literature, and Mental Health Online Course and we instantly hit it off. It’s ironic because we both are at similar stages in our lives (midlife) and in our businesses, and our respective fields of metal health (hers, bibliotherapy and mine, writing fiction to heal). Isn’t it wild that while technically, they are different modalities, yet they are also intrinsically linked? It felt like fate that we should be drawn together at this very pivotal moment in time. Especially for me, I felt, it was another sign.

I decided to take Bijal’s course and become certified (yay!) and also purchased her recent book release (more on that below!) and read it one sitting.

Then I got off my ass and made plans. There was finally something that felt right in my life again. I didn’t second guess it. I rolled with it. I immediately saw the evidence when a dear friend reflected it back to me:

So yeah, I’m planning to launch a new offering in the fall.

I feel like it’s a bit of the renewal and rebirth Lauren talked about in class. The little “embers” that float up through the ashes as the old you burns. The embers that end up becoming the phoenix that rises.

But I’m not quite there yet, because if I’m honest with you, I’m still scared shitless.

I’m still working through the thorny part of defining success and worthiness and value. And it’s still sticky as evidence by the little summary of the game I started playing below.

Sometimes, even our best intentioned endeavors become blocked because we’re still fucked up somewhere else. So you know, maybe I have time to unravel it all before it’s too late.

Watching

That Was Us — Podcast on YouTube

I remember watching the pilot episode like it was yesterday. I remember dubbing it “Crying Tuesdays” and having my text threads pulled up with my coworkers as we co-watched. I vividly remember telling my husband (who also watched it with me) that it wasn’t just the acting that got me, but the writing, dammit. The fucking writing. So when I found the That Was Us rewatch podcast on YouTube, it was an immediate yes for me. And I’m so glad I’m taking the emotional dive back in because it is offering me so many more gems and insights to mine from.

Specifically, from a writer’s point of view, I’m fascinated by the conversations they are having when they bring Dan Fogelman, the writer and showrunner on and discuss his experiences. In their second episode, they ask him about his initial inspiration for the show and wouldn’t you know — it all comes back to circling this theme of midlife. He said he was 36 or 37 years old and in a time of transition when he had the thought of these characters all undergoing these significant upheavals in their lives and how they would be dealing with them and then how their stories all intertwined. It was fascinating and it was another lightbulb moment of “hmm… there is something really important about this moment I’m going through in my own life. There is something worth paying attention about this time in my life and this is another sign from the universe.”

I’m interested to see what else I discover and mine from this brilliant show and the insights the hosts and actors bring to the table during our rewatch.

Reading

Bibliotherapy: The Healing Power of Reading

A lot of my research into Bibliotherapy has been dense and thick. It’s primarily consisted of academic textbooks but I’ve come across a few gems like *Tolstoy Therapy* by Lucy Horner and The Novel Cure by Ella Berthoud and Susan Elderkin that seemed fitting for the general public. But it wasn’t until finding Bibliotherapy: The Healing Power of Reading by Bijal Shah that I finally found a resource that seemed fitting for both practitioners and general readers. What Bijal has done with her book is amazing and quite honestly, what I aimed to do with my book, Forged in Fire: Writing Fiction to Heal. She took a therapeutic concept that has been largely contained to the world of therapy and psychoanalysis and brought it into the real world where it can be accessed by anyone who is interested in self-healing work through the use of literature.

Through her own experiences and then case studies, Bijal breaks down how bibliotherapy works in concept and in practice and explains how powerful the process can be when you apply it to healing. What Bijal has managed to accomplish with her book is an incredibly well-rounded look at the bibliotherapy process from first session to last in terms of how someone might come to the process with an “issue” they’re looking to work through and how through the use of literature, then apply the principles and modality of bibliotherapy in order to address that issue and work through it.

One reason that I LOVE this book and the bibliotherapy modality is that it cuts to heart of why it helps us to heal in the same way that writing fiction does — it’s a much more affordable, accessible, efficient, intuitive and individualized way of healing than most other modalities of therapy available to us today. In my experience (and in speaking with Bijal, her experience as well), in the time it takes for a relationship to develop with a therapist, plus the amount of sessions it takes to get to the heart of ONE particular issue, a patient can have already explored, excavated and rooted into a particular issue through bibliotherapy or writing fiction in half the amount of time. This is because the transference and counter transference is not dependent on any one physical person (aka a therapist). In the case of bibliotherapy and fiction — the transference is happening within the characters and story.

Of course, it’s a bit more complex than that, but if you’re interested in the more psychological and therapeutic benefits, I encourage you to pick up the book and read it and then continue on with other bibliotherapy books in the field. It will open your eyes to an entirely new way of thinking about how books and reading can be used as a healing modality.

You can find Bijal here on Substack actually:

And I also hope you will look for more information about my Sanctuary Book Club coming out in the fall.

Listening

Taylor Swift Entire Discography — Writing Our Eras

I’m still happily in the thick of my Swiftie Era (honestly, will I ever leave?) as I’m going through the second round of “Writing Our Eras” workshop with

Midstory Magazine

. It’s an INCREDIBLY powerful workshop and I’m loving every second of it. I also think it dovetails nicely with my “Midlife Awakening” theme. It’s not lost on me (again) that Taylor Swift herself is my same age and might also be going through her own midlife awakening moments. She certainly has show some signs of it with the latest album TTPD and on her latest phase of her Eras tour and her blossoming relationship with Travis. Her reclamation of her fame and relationships. Her ownership of her narrative and music. Yeah, I think it’s safe to say TTPD is a companion album to my midlife awakening, actually.

Beyond listening to T-Swift for this workshop though — we’re breaking down all her songs in very purposeful ways and connecting them to our own eras and moments in life and it’s breathing new life and meaning into the songs themselves. Certain songs that I have had less than favorable times with have now become part of my top selections and some of my already favorite songs have slipped even deeper into my conscious. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it over and over again — Taylor is magic. She is word witch of the highest caliber and she makes me want to dig into every crevice of what it means to be a storyteller… to be someone who shapes and molds and bends and breaks sentences and stories to get at the heart of what is trying to be said.

90s mom cleaning the house on Saturday morning

Um… Do I really need to explain this one?! I’m NOT a mom… but this playlist is just so good that I will pretend I’m my own mother while mid-90’s yelling at me to clean my own room while adult-me now cleans the house on Saturdays.

Thinking/Wondering/Contemplating

The Prosperity Game

One of my mentors is currently hosting a free challenge called “The Prosperity Game” where each day, we are to imagine that we awake to find a certain amount of money has been given to us and we imagine what we spend the money on as well. The caveat is that we cannot say that the money came to us because we are “playing” the game or won the lottery. And we cannot use the money to pay a bill, or give it to someone else. As you can imagine, the game is meant to open up and move some energy around financial wounds, abundance, prosperity, etc. The amount of money we receive on day one starts conservative at $250, but it doubles by the day and let me tell you… this little game has done a number on me.

How can a simple, make-believe game be so crazy-making? About five days into the challenge, I realized that I hadn’t yet made a SINGLE creative way that the money had come into my life. Every single “reason” the money found it’s way to me was somehow “earned.” As I looked at the thread in our group forum, I saw such beautiful examples of other ways people had come into the money.

In other words, not everyone needed to find ways to be “worthy” of earning the money. They already were worthy enough.

That was a gut punch moment.

The second one came when I realized that every single purchase I made with said money was something related to the enhancement or comfort of my business or life in my business. Examples: A better desk set up, nicer reading chair, bookshelves, decor, etc.

Yes, this was technically for myself. But where was the fun? Where was the “just because.” Where was the meaning?

It honestly felt like a “midlife awakening” moment of… why the fuck does any of that matter?

It was a moment of reckoning with the question of: What even IS prosperity to me even more? What does that mean? How can I play this game if I can’t even understand what defines that word to me anymore?

I’m struggling to find the answer, but I’m working on it.

The Acorn Theory

The more I think about James Hillman’s “Acorn Theory,” in alignment with what I know about Storytelling, the more convinced I am that I believe he’s right. If you’re not familiar with the theory, here’s the gist:

James Hillman's “Acorn Theory,” as presented in his book The Soul's Code: In Search of Character and Calling, is a psychological theory that suggests each person is born with an innate blueprint, a unique potential or “acorn,” which contains the essence of who they are meant to become. Hillman posits that this acorn is a guiding force throughout an individual's life, shaping their character and destiny.¹

So, to some degree, what he is saying is that while nature and nurture certainly play a part in the development of a person, there are things beyond those two elements that truly determine who a person is… and those elements are somewhat already determined.

SIDE NOTE: This is where I see the first wave of detractors come in and freak the fuck out because: Pre-Determination. What about free-will?!?!?! And I get it. I really, really do. And I’m a REBEL for a reason. But.

What this damn midlife awakening bullshit IS doing for me is affording me some perspective. And that perspective is that we don’t have control over anything. Not really. Not ever.

And that ONE moment. That single moment of surrender when you TRULY realize (and this could be for the bajillionth time you’ve had to have it!) that you have no control, is the moment you realize you can let go of this expectation that things are going to go as planned and there is liberation.

What that means is that, it doesn’t matter to some degree, what form or shape your life takes, there is an “essence” always calling you to it, and a deep need/desire for you to always run toward it. All the events and experiences in your life then shape the story of your life as you chase fully realizing that essence.

So when people ask that question of, “are some people just born evil?” I think the answer to that is, yes. I think there are simply bad seeds. Bad “essences” whose soul purpose is to cause pain and suffering and chaos because it must be so. Because to be human, to have humility, to have the other “essences” which make us whole — we need to have the opposite of light.

I believe this is a huge reason why we are so intimately tied to storytelling.

There is so much more to explore here… and I have a feeling I might be writing about this more in the future, but for now… I’ll end scene.

There we have it! My first attempt at Rebel Rousings. I think it turned out a bit longer than I intended but I also feel like I had a lot of thoughts to purge. I promise to make all future editions shorter. I am curious though which section drew your interest the most. Use the poll below to let me know.

1. Hillman, James. The Soul's Code: In Search of Character and Calling. Random House, 1996.